Speaking today from a very tall mountain in Switzerland, One-Term Tony told the press “I see no evidence to support claims that asylum seekers were abused. Trust me!”.
“All I see is mountains”, he added.
“There’s no need for an enquiry, because we wouldn’t release the results for operational reasons anyway. What’s more, any enquiry held by anyone else that finds any other result is biassed. Trust me.”
“I trust our armed forces implicitly, they have never been known to do anything wrong ever, ever, ever. Except driving their ships into Indonesia five times. Oh, and saying ‘we’re going out to deal with the f—ers‘. These things happen in war. Trust me.”
When asked whether the complete lack of transparency surrounding current operations was creating a situation in which rumours could spread, no facts could be checked, and abuses could be happening with no oversight, One-Term replied “Of course not. Trust me”.
“But don’t quote me on that”, he added.
Meanwhile in Australia, Scott Free was equally dismissive of press concerns.
“There is no Indonesian police investigation into this alleged incident. Trust me!”, he told the press, as the TV behind him apparently showed Indonesian police investigating the incident.
“There is no evidence that this incident happened, because we make very sure that there is no evidence, trust me!”
“I won’t have anyone else blaming the Navy, as I did when they ran into Indonesia five times. If anyone’s going to blame the Navy, it’s going to be me – trust me.”
Scott Free went on “Trust me, the total lack of information and independent oversight of all our operations is vital if we are going to succeed in phase two of this operation .”
“Phase one was ‘Stop the Answers’. That’s been entirely successful. We’re now proceeding to phase two, ‘Stop the Questions’.”
“Any questions? No? Excellent!”
Finally, Foreign Minister Token Bishop held a press conference where she announced that Australia would cooperate fully with the non-existent Indonesian police investigation.
“My colleague Scott Free has already informed you that there is no Indonesian police investigation. I’d like to assure you that we will be co-operating fully with any and all investigations not being held by Indonesian authorities, because I’m confident that we already know the answers.”