Minister Scott Free and Lieutenant (formerly Lieutenant General) Soup Campbell faced a barrage of questions yesterday, following revelations that HMAS Stuart had been discovered 200 metres up a small creek in Indonesia for the fifth time.
Lieutenant Campbell led the briefing, to explain how GPS turn-by-turn instructions had caused the problem.
“Maritime navigation is a complex business”, the Lieutenant explained.
“There’s a lot of information to deal with – sea, sky, sometimes birds, and of course land. In our business, we are constantly on the lookout for land.”
“In the old days we had to look out the window, but nowadays we have sophisticated positioning systems that are accurate to under a metre.”
“Here to explain what happened on HMAS Stuart is CPO Kid O’Board, a veteran of these missions.”
CPO O’Board continued the briefing.
“You are all familiar with civilian GPS units. Our Navy units are similar, although much, much more accurate. Like yours, we can program a variety of voices for turn-by-turn directions.”
“Unfortunately, we were trialling some new voice samples when these accidents occurred.”
“We first tried Genghis Bernardi, however we discovered that all he would say is ‘Turn Right NOW’, or ‘Perform a U-Turn IMMEDIATELY’, and occasionally ‘Hello sailor’.”
“Then we tried the Prime Minister, however all he would say is ‘Stop the boat! Stop the Boat!’.”
“An obvious next choice was Minister Scott Free, however his voice just produced ‘REDACTED FOR OPERATIONAL REASONS’ and then complete silence.”
“We then reverted to our emergency fallback voice, or Government Policy and Senior Advisers. The next thing we knew we were up this creek. Again.”