In a widely anticipated but brief Press Conference today the Prime Minister declared that Australia is at war.
Grave faced, he announced “Gentlemen of the Press, we are at, errrr, war.”
“Starting from today, in order that the enemy shall have no knowledge of our plans or intentions, all press conferences are cancelled.”
When asked who the enemy was, The Honourable 5265617 replied with some heat “Surely you don’t expect me to reveal important operational information like that! What kind of traitor are you?”
“Because all acts of the Government are by their nature operational, information on all future decisions and legislation will be redacted for operational reasons.”
“I am sure that even reporters from The Guardian can see the sense in that”, he added.
“War demands certain sacrifices, which you must now make.”
“In reporting this final press conference I would ask you to refer to me only as The Honourable 5265617 MP, member for ∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎.”
“I join my colleague the Minister for ∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎ who has already adopted this policy in ensuring that the enemy shall gain no advantage from important operational information.”
“The enemy is cunning, he is remorseless, he threatens our very way of life, and this battle will take years if not generations.”
“The war on terror and the war on drugs and the war on benefits bludgers and the war on bikie gangs will seem trivial in comparison.”
“None of our election promises can now be fulfilled, and Australians everywhere not running mining companies will be asked to make sacrifices. I am now forming a War Cabinet. Since war is men’s business, this Cabinet will not contain the ∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎ Minister, ∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎ ∎∎∎∎∎∎∎.”
“The only comfort I can offer is that all casualties in this war will be foreign civilians.”
The Honourable 5265617 concluded “God save the ∎∎∎∎∎∎∎, and Advance ∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎ Fair!”
Following the briefing, Departmental spokesman ∎∎∎∎∎∎∎ ∎∎∎∎∎∎ confirmed that future requests made under Freedom of ∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎∎ legislation would be held for processing until hostilities ceased, or the end of the Government’s term. He added that under the Emergency Powers act, elections will be suspended indefinitely.