Australia’s new Science Minister

In a shock announcement, Prime Minister One-term Tony has revealed that Australia is to have a Science Minister after all. It’s Canada’s ex-Defence Minister, Paul Hell-Yeah.

“Just as, aaaaah, there was only one woman, errrrr, smart enough for cabinet, until, aaaah, now there was nobody smart enough to be Science Minister”, One-term announced.

“Not even, ahhh, me”, he added, with his characteristic forced chuckle.

“However an international search has, aaah, finally discovered the, errrr, perfect candidate”, One-term proudly announced.

“It’s Canada’s ex-Defence Minister, Paul Hell-Yeah

Paul Hellyer, perfect choice for Oz Science Minister

Paul Hellyer, perfect choice for Oz Science Minister

“Paul will make an outstanding addition to my team”, One-term concluded. “His credentials match my vision for the Science portfolio perfectly, and we see eye to eye on many issues.”

Staffers for the hastily formed Department of Getting Science From Aliens were on hand to answer further questions.

Most of them, they revealed, had been transferred that day from Scott Free’s Department for Keeping Aliens Out, and they admitted that it would make a pleasant change to be welcoming Aliens instead of illegally declaring them illegal and REDACTED FOR OPERATIONAL REASONS. They provided the following transcript of a real conversation between One-term Tony and broadcaster What Laws to demonstrate the Prime Minister’s scientific credentials.

One-term Tony: […] See, one of the things people haven’t quite twigged to is that carbon dioxide is invisible, it’s weightless and it’s odourless. How are we going to police these emissions?

What Laws: I don’t know

Pundits agree that this frank, revealing admission of complete ignorance by What Laws clearly demonstrates both his essential integrity and his even-handed approach to interviewing politicians.

Staffers for the newly formed Department of Getting Science From Aliens also announced a further cutting back of the budget for the renamed CSIRO, now to be known as the Commonwealth Scientific Intergalactic  Recovery Organisation. “There’s clearly little need for further research, now that we can get all of our Science from aliens”, a staffer pronounced. She went on to say “We’re also finally in a position to definitively put to rest all of these furphies regarding Climate Change. It’s clearly caused by someone bumping the thermostat on board the alien mothership, and will be addressed when they next visit.”

“I should also like to make a minor correction to the Prime Minister’s statement about carbon dioxide being weightless. As all schoolchildren know, and a few adults, molecules and electrons are very, very, very tiny. Very tiny. Teensy tiny, to use the scientific term. And so they actually have weight, or Mass as the Prime Minister calls it, but it’s so very very very tiny that we can pretend it doesn’t exist, like the large number of other things we’re pretending don’t exist. What we can now be sure does exist is Aliens, and that’s now official government policy. One-term will soon be firing Foreign Minister Token Bishop into space for an extended visit, and as a bi-partisan gesture inviting Shadow Minister Tanya Autocorrect to join her.”

“Not all scientific research will be stopped, however”, the staffer added. “There are a number of projects underway trying to discover how we can police, or even detect, other invisible, odourless and weightless emissions. Examples are radio and television waves, which theory tells us exist but nobody has been able to detect, and electrons moving through wires. Other examples are Press Releases from Scott Free, and the collective conscience of the Government. Experts tell us they’re very close to a breakthrough, however, in detecting radio and TV. They’re not hopeful about the others.”

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