Minister Token Bishop, recently returned from a three-day fact finding trip, held a joint press conference with Shadow Minister Tanya Autocorrect yesterday.
“I’m very pleased to announce that after exhaustive investigation, my staff and I have found somewhere on earth that is worse than the camp on Nauru”, said the relieved-looking Minister.
“We had initially pinned our hopes on Guantanamo Bay, but then we discovered it has walls and floors, and of course plenty of water. We despaired of finding an unfavourable comparison, when our friends in the mining industry came to the rescue, as they often have.”
“They pointed out that their camps are hell on earth. So I’m proud to announce that there is somewhere that’s worse than Nauru. I’m also announcing that we will now be relocating all Illegals to remote mining camps.”
“There will be a number of advantages. Young orphaned Illegals, or “unaccompanied miners” as they will now be called, can be put to good use squeezing into spaces underground where well-fed Australians simply can’t fit. After a few years when they grow too large for this they will be moved to sorting coal, pushing mine carts, and checking for underground gas. Eventually, of course, at age 12 they will join the adult workforce, and enjoy the full adult water ration.”
“Adult Illegals will enjoy all of the same benefits as Australian miners, with a few obvious and necessary exceptions – they won’t be paid, they can’t leave, they will have no time off, and they will be essentially incommunicado and without support. A small price to pay, really, for the huge sums of money it is costing us to evade our treaty obligations and to keep them out of the community.”
In a rare show of bi-partisan support, Shadow Minister Tanya Autocorrect made an emotional speech.
Her voice catching, and reading from a prepared statement, she said “It’s only when you visit places like Nauru that the realities hit home. In politics, there are those defining moments when you have to choose between your most deeply held values and beliefs, and the Party line. I realised on Nauru that my moment had come, and I’m proud to say that I’m comfortable in the knowledge that I haven’t compromised my preselection.”
“I’ve had a lot of support from my colleagues on both sides of the House, and they’ve pointed out that many politicians live happy and useful lives even after they’ve completely lost their credibility.”
Token and Tanya left the press conference arm-in-arm.